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Melbourne - The City of Angels, the Windy City, the Jewel of the Nile - these are just a few of the euphemisms never used to describe Australia's second most populous city.

Founded in 1835 by a group of convicts and John Batman after they escaped from the penal colonies of Tasmania, Melbourne was originally built on the Yarra River. After the town was washed away by storm waters, city planners decided to move it to the land surrounding the river where it still exists to this very day. Thankfully, due to the efforts of the Historical Preservation Society, most of the pollution produced by the early city can still be found in the river.

A modern day metropolis situated at the southern end of Victoria, it is unique from other international cities in that it's the largest city built within the Melbourne Metropolitan area. It is mainly constructed out of hard things like concrete, steel and more concrete but there are some people who claim it's built on rock and roll. These claims are quite dubious at best, as music has very limited load bearing capabilities.

The people of Melbourne are called Melburnians; however, local cultural sensitivities dictate that when referring to someone, you should use the individual's specific name and not the more generic term.

To say that Melburnians love their sport would be a gross understatement; it would also make sweeping generalizations about a large group of people, some of whom may not enjoy watching large groups of men play with their balls. They consider their city to be the 'sports capital of the world' and although this claim is highly boastful and difficult to verify, they can, at the very least, claim to live in the "sports capital of Melbourne".

Geography

Melbourne has claim to be Australia's capital city, as the first Parliament of Australia was held in Melbourne in 1901, despite its remote location. Melbourne's geographic location places it at the southern end of the southern continent, making it the arse-end of the world. A rare distinction that the locals are proud of, hence the majority of their industry is dedicated to producing excreta.

It's at least a 24-hour flight from anywhere half-decent, so one must make do with hard drugs. As a result Melbourne is renowned for its high use of amphetamines and a thriving cafe culture.

If you pass the international date line on the way here, you arrive at an earlier time than you left, and also collect $200.

Melbourne is located 75km from Geelong, a lovely rustic town, known for its crafts industries, petrochemicals, engines and amphetamines, is best viewed at high speed in a bullet proof vehicle.

Melbourne is so big it takes a huge effort to get out of the bloody place. Despite their best efforts not even the government can reduce urban sprawl, the city will soon eat Victoria and perhaps Tasmania, and remote South Australia if it has room for desert.

It is thought that Melbourne will be visible by the naked eye from Uranus in 5 years time. However it is not recommended to view the city without some ocular protection.

Climate

Melbourne lays claim to being the Weather capital of Australia. Unlike the rest of the world, which has four seasons in a year, Melbourne has four seasons in one day, all of them winter. Melburnians have over fifty different words for cold, most of which contravene local public decency laws.

Crowded House (who New Zealanders bleat and whinge about being from New Zealand, when in actual fact they were founded in Melbourne) even wrote a song about it. Melburnians are extremely proud of this, and will never shut up about it, causing Melburnians to be rated as "the most boring [but world-class] conversationalists on earth" for their compulsive obsessiveness when it comes to talking about the weather.

Melburnians also have a clever phrase "if you don't like the weather in Melbourne, just wait five minutes and it will change!". This is considered the height of Melburnian wit. A typical weather report in Melbourne sounds like "Morning spring, possible winters clearing followed by brief patches of summer and a partly autumn afternoon. A top of degrees in Celcius." To distinguish intra-day seasons from annual seasons, the annual seasons of the year are therefore known to locals as Summeroftennis, Grandprixautumn, Footyseason, and Springracing.

While it is continuously cold in Melbourne, snow is extremely rare. In modern times it has snowed only once in Melbourne. This was in the 1930's, and lasted for about 20 minutes. There were seven deaths. This is still a conversational high point.

Local Laws

Due to its legal standing, Melbourne claims to be the legal capital of Australia. Here it is the law for men to wear black. The only exception to this rule is when you are attending a footy match, at which time you must be wearing team colours. Anyone that doesn't like sport is banished to the Albury/Wodonga Border - an area uninhabited by any intelligent life.

If you are enjoying a stroll in Richmond, then you have low expectations.

Never wait for the little green man, just cross the road whenever the hell you want. The symphony of car horns that follow are actually praise for your bravery and to-hell-with-everyone-else attitude.

Local decency laws forbid the use of profane language in public. Most Melburnians think this is a fucking joke.

Sport

As the self-proclaimed sporting capital of Australia, everyone in Melbourne must support all sports that Melbourne takes part in. This includes football (various codes, but predominantly Australian rules), cricket, basketball, netball, soccer, tennis, car racing, motorbike racing, horse racing, greyhound racing, rat racing.

If it is a sport, Melburnians follow it. If it isn't a sport, Melburnians will make it one.

The apex of the Melbourne sporting scene is the Melbourne Cricket Ground, so named as it is the home of Australian Rules Football. The cricket ground is often referred to as "the G" by Melburnians, as polysyllabic nomenclature is a foreign concept, and Melburnians dislike foreigners.

Any tourist that tries to understand Australian Rules Football is simply told, "Really, it's not that hard!", which basically means, "Yell at the umpires and drink lots of beer."

For any tourists that continue talking about AFL, it's best to not berate the team your Melburnian friends goes for, no matter how much they disparage it. The right to disparage a team is held as a divine right only available to supporters of the team in question.

Culture

Melbourne claims that it is Australia's cultural capital, and has a vibrant culture, which is experienced by most tourists is a similar vein to the way an epileptic enjoys strobe lighting.

Proud of its cafe culture, Melbourne has the world's largest number of small caf©s per capita. These stalwart Melburnian icons have mastered the art of being able to make an espresso that wins on 3 layers - extremely weak taste, burnt or stale grounds, and a 300% price mark up.

This fair city has also seen a dramatic increase in the number of Starbucks, Gloria Jeans (another American owned coffee giant), Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, 7-Eleven and other human conversion and conversation centres throughout the cityscape.

Melburnians are being encouraged to throw off the favour of small 'quality' coffee shops and traditional cafe's and to replace them with generic churn consumerism by partaking in massive intakes of awful American crap. Progress is good and now its virtually impossible to find a slim attractive woman in Melbourne.

If you're dying to have men in a big, phallic car scream obscenities at you, Melbourne can't be beat.

While in Melbourne, make sure you mingle with the intelligentsia. Start with reading the highly acclaimed Herald Sun, an intellectually profound newspaper fit for any man of letters. Written by world renowned journalists of the highest intellectual calibre, the Herald Sun has been cultivating the minds of a new generation of philosophers since 1990. For any young scholar aspiring to be a 21st century Voltaire, do take heed: the Herald Sun has been preparing Melbourne to be the birthplace for a present day Renaissance in the making.

Art

As Australia's self proclaimed Arts capital, Melbourne is proud of its thriving arts scene which manifests itself in the many art galleries and exhibitions dotted around the city, its unique post-modern public sculptures, and its thriving public arts scene. If you look closely enough, many of the local artisans can be spotted plying their trade (often at night) with a can of spray paint at various train station and public toilet walls around the city.

Public Transport

Melbourne is considered to be the Tram capital of Australia, as it features the worlds largest tram network and rather interestingly, the lowest tram usage rate per capita in the world. A key tourism attraction and traditional Melbourne icon, trams have been operating for many, many decades, and in some cases, are still on their debut route.

While in 1901 Melbourne was proclaimed by Melburnians to be Australia's capital city, this was hotly disputed by Australia's more populated and more prosperous city - Sydney. The argument between the two cities as to which should be given the title of capital city raged for decades, before it finally was decided that Canberra would become the capital city, given its ideal location for tourists; landlocked and the middle of nowhere.

The debate, however, has polarised the cities of Melbourne and Sydney, and the rivalry between the two cities has raged on for over a century.

In recent times, however, Melbourne has managed to take the upper hand, as in 2013 Melbourne proclaimed itself to be the capital of Sydney. This status quo is expected to last until someone in Sydney realises that Melbourne still actually exists.

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Pre 2013

'Some mighty fine man meat to munch on in Melbourne.'
~ Oscar Wilde on Melbourne

'The perfect place to make a film about the end of the world.'
~ Nevil Shute, Ava Gardner, Neil Jillett and a cast of thousands

'This will be the place for a village.'
~ Batman on the banks of the Yarra

'Holy Hoddle grid Batman, you're right!'
~ John Pascoe Fawkner on Batman

Melbourne (Melburnus planis) is a city in Australia, best known for being the greatest (and flattest, hence planis) city in the entire world. Even more than Greatville, Kentucky. It was founded in 1835 by Batman himself, who bargained with the local Aboriginal leaders and bought all the land in the area, in exchange for three blankets, a handful of beans and a broken iPod. Melbourne is often known as AC/DCburg outside of Australia.

At first a small pastoral settlement, the city boomed when prospectors discovered some chicken nuggets in central Victoria. This triggered a chicken rush, as thousands of hopeful miners descended on the chickenfields from all over the world, hoping for some taste of those secret herbs and spices. Melbourne became one of the largest and wealthiest cities in the world, and was nicknamed Finger Lickin' Good Melbourne.

Melbourne was the biggest city in Australia for the next 40 years, the nation's capital for 27 years, and its most important city for 110 years. It even hosted the Olympics first! Then in the 1970s Melbourne got owned by Sydney. Nobody can understand why, but that bastard Howard probably had something to do with it.

Today, Melbourne is regarded as Australia's cultural and prostitute capital. In contrast to its showoff, right-wing cousin to the east-northeast, Melbourne lacks any world-famous landmarks and feels unloved, hence the need for a large sex industry. The Shannon Noll classic, But What About Me, saw its greatest success in insecure Melbourne as most Melburnians thought it was about their city and it was proposed as the city anthem. On the plus side, the city does have trams, and it also enjoys low crime rates due to the continuing presence of Batman.

Melbourne Geography

Melbourne is located right down where the sun don't shine, at the scrotum-end of the world. It's at least a 24-hour flight from anywhere half-decent, although if you pass the international date line on the way here, you arrive at an earlier time than you left, and also collect $200.

Situated around a bay of some sort, this city is blessed with enough natural beauty to fill Michael Jackson's left nostril. It even boasts a yummy poo-brown chocolate river just like in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Do try it! It didn't kill Jackie Chan so it has to be safe.

Melbourne Climate

Unlike the rest of the world, which believes it has four seasons in a year, Melbourne believes it has four seasons in one day. In fact Crowded House (who are actually from New Zealand) even wrote a song about it.

Melburnians are extremely proud of this meteorological myth, and will never shut up about it, causing Melburnians to be rated as "the most boring conversationalists on earth"for their compulsive obsessiveness when it comes to talking about the weather. Melburnians also have a clever phrase "if you don't like the weather in Melbourne, just wait five minutes and it will change!". As with countless other cities and towns across the world, they are content and proud in the belief that the phrase is unique to their city.

A typical weather report in Melbourne sounds like "Morning spring, possible winters clearing followed by brief patches of summer and a partly autumn afternoon. A top of 13 degrees."To distinguish them from these pretend seasons, the 'real' seasons of the year are therefore known to locals as Tennisummer, Grandprixautumn, Footywinter, Springracingspring and Cricketsummer.

Melburnians also love to whine and complain gratuitously about how miserable and cold their city is, which may surprise and confuse the American tourist (that they all kill with angry koalas) who visits the city in what one half of the planet knows as "summer", when, on any particular day it might be 38 degrees Celsius and hellishly bright and sunny in Melbourne, or if you happen to come from Iceland. Notwithstanding the unbearable heat, you will still hear Melburnians all around you complaining about how cold and miserable the weather in their city is. In particular, Melbourne Goths, of which there are a countless number, are extremely proud of Melbourne's alleged coldness and climatological misery. It has never snowed in Melbourne.

Melbourne Tourism

Be wary of Australian Wildlife! Pay attention to travel warnings and defer nonessential travel during dropbear season.

Ooh, trams. Meh. I wouldn't bother, if I were you. The only thing to see is the Yarra River, famed for being the only river where 'The bottom flows on the top'. (The word 'bottom', of course, refers to the fact that the river contains 40 times the lethal dose of human and animal faeces. Drinking the water is known to cause nearly every disease imaginable...bad breath).

The heroin-paved streets of Fitzroy are also popular for the famous local greeting of "Fuggin', ya fuggin', f**k ... F**. Poo. ****in, fuggin, fuggit. C***."(vomits) "Gi's fifty cen'."Oh, and apparently there are some good goth clubs there. We know this because every Australian goth insists on telling you if you talk to them for more than thirty seconds. I suppose you could try talking to them for less than thirty seconds, though; or better yet not at all.

There is also a cafe in *Box Hill where tourists can enjoy a coffee and cake while watching 17 drop bears compete for supremacy. Unfortunately drop bears compete for supremacy by seeing who can eat the most tourists. surely it is only a matter of time before Darth Howard makes this cafe an illegal immigrant and throws it in Woomera Detention Centre. But until then, the tourists and locals in Melbourne's fantabolous outer west have 17 drop mad drop bears to fear. And they'll do it. Trust me I've seen it, all innocent, then WHAM!!! You're DEAD. but the funniest thing in the world is seeing someone who is not you getting mauled by a drop bear.

Melbourne Education

Melbourne is known for its many fine educational establishments. One such beast is Ivanhoe Grammar School. By an amazing coincidence, it is located near Ivanhoe Station. It is unique because it only has half a basketball court. The other half was acquisitioned by the Grand School Council to build a passive recreation area. This move was designed to boost childhood obesity in the school, which is proven to cure cancer and acne. Any increase in the school canteen profits is purely coincidental.

Ivanhoe Grammar School has the honor of being the only school in its district to be not owned by Subway; it is owned by Microsoft. As thus, it is considered illegal (and immoral) by school by-laws to have in your possession a computer running Apple or any OS other than Microsoft. Said crime is punishable by death sentence carried out by the Republican Prefect Guard.

Melbourne Local Laws

In Melbourne, Australia it is illegal for men to parade in strapless dresses - but they are allowed to cross-dress in anything with sleeves. (No bull, this is true.) When walking your dog it is illegal to walk him/her with a lead in the "hip"parts of Melbourne. Animal liberation groups have strong holds in some parts and will often cut your dog free. Also, it is illegal to hunt the native wild centipedes without special permission from the Cheese Council, which is controlled by John So who is probably the most amazingly super awesome Melburnian ever in history.

If you are enjoying a stroll in Richmond, it is custom to salute the 70 story tall statue of the Kintiser twelve times, then kiss a football or eat dirt maggot. Never wait for the little green man, just cross the road whenever the hell you want, those cars tooting, oh screw them.

Backgammon in Melbourne is played under "Melbourne Rules". Even though Melbourne is the biggest Greek city outside Greece, use of Greek Rules is punishable by forced consumption of Tzatziki. Each player starts with 15 pieces and they move in opposite directions! Melbourne backgammon players are very proud of their dinky-di home-grown variations and don't appreciate being told that they are actually playing by the same rules as everyone else.

The Dark Side of Melbourne

At the dawn of time, there was an epic battle between good and evil. As both sides were evenly matched, neither could defeat the other and a stalemate ensued. Seeing that the battle was pointless, the leader of the Light and the Dark agreed on a truce. Neither side would attack the other and thus began an uneasy peace.

The forces of evil were subdued, but not defeated. Both sides awaited the coming of the Chosen One which would herald the Final Battle and decided the fate of the universe. Until then, both sides bade their time, in preperation.

But what became of the Dark? After the truce, they were given parts of Melbourne as part of the Balfive Declaration. They now reside in and around Flinders St Station . Visitors to Melbourne are warned not to approach the area without a armed guard or a pooload of garlic.

The residents of this zone are known as Evil Monstrous Others (E.M.O s). They enjoy wearing dark clothes and cutting themselves and are almost always either smoking or listening to their iPods.

It should be noted that if one is caught in this dark zone without protection, it is advisable to flee to St. Paul's Cathedral. It is physically impossible for an E.M.O. to enter this holy sanctuary. It should also be noted that it is great fun to forcibly drag an E.M.O. into the Cathedral and watch them burn as they cross the threshold.

Things to do in Melbourne

Why don't you:

Get an undergraduate degree at Melbourne University
Do the Melbourne Shuffle
Get abused by Yobboes
Attempt to perform a hook turn
Develop a paranoia of speed cameras
Be attacked by some local Australian Wildlife
Waste your money by buying a ticket
Or refuse to purchase said ticket and apologize for any inconvenience caused
Leave before you develop an incurable case of depression
Thank god you don't live in Brisbane.
Go to Wesley College and learn that purple is a shit colour for a blazer
Watch shit like Today Tonight
Rip some 'fully sik free demoz' up and down Chapel Street and any McDonalds carpark. Preferably the one in Chapel Street.
If you're dying to have men in a big, phallic car scream obscenities at you, Melbourne can't be beat. Whether you're a gay guy, a straight gal, a transgender wildebeest, or otherwise, Melbourne's 'Commodore Poets' driving their "Mario Karts"will find something at least partially intelligible to scream at you.

Another favourite Melbourne pastime is avoiding being hit by large vehicles, "Toorak Tractors". Try avoiding being hit by one of the unreasonably large cars so popular on Melbourne streets. Try avoiding being hit by the teenager driving the Hyundai with lots of stickers and fat exhaust pipe. Try avoiding being hit by the disgruntled middle-age housewife driving her SUV down the wrong side of the road. Or for that real Melbourne flavour, try avoiding getting hit by a tram. The drivers tend to be either young and mentally-retarded or old and rather senile.

I have discovered during my travels that the large metal boxes with, 'Connex' writen on them tend to be either unwilling or unable to stop within 6 seconds and they will hit you so you want to avoid jumping in front of those. Also due to the extreem shortage of ambulance drivers in Melbourne most of them are small children, toddlers really. In most cases they can't reach the pedals however in the rare occasion that one is sitting on the gas, steer well clear of any emergency services as you never know when they will aim for you and take you out.

Demographics

It appears that Melbourne is devoid of any persons of African descent besides the one South African web designer with the wavy hair, gangs of Nigerian youths who stalk Melbourne's public transport system and that one guy that works at the Baths. The Aboriginal population seems to be dwindling besides the population base of beggars that subside of the loose change of Emo's around Flinders Street Station, and the sporadic comings and of 'emigrants' from Hopper's Crossing. Oh, and it's infested with Asians

How to get out of Melbourne

It is a well known fact that the best way to get out of Melbourne is in a car, in a train, in a plane, on foot, in a boat or ship, in a zeppelin, in a hot air balloon, perched precariously on the back of a giant centipede, face first or in a molemobile.

The roads in Melbourne are built to a sensible grid system, rather than the paved six-lane goat tracks of Sydney, which makes escape easier. (The grid is not quite aligned to true north, so the authors of the most popular street map can print it skewed on every one of their hundreds of pages, just to prove they're so anal they alphabetise their underwear.)

One of the other strange Melbourneisms is the obsession with building stupid looking stuff. The Centenary Arch, Federation Square, Bolty Bridge, Box Hill and Southern Hot Cross Station are a few prime examples. All of these stupid buildings, however, have a function - including the Eureka Tower. They all have city wide escape potential... an eject seat. By going into Federation Square, you are showing that you really want to leave the city via air. Take care when using this method as weather systems can affect it. Also a parachute is not provided and this should also be taken into account when selecting your landing site. Also, ALL care should be taken to avoid Flinders Street Station at all times. The congregating emos have been known to cause suffocation in passerbys, and this is not helped by the fact that they all just really smell bad. Hungry Jacks AKA Fatty Burgers 2 AKA Burger King has been known to be an emo hideout. Beware bad shoes and pathetic looks.

WARNING: When attempting to escape this place, never trust the pubic transport system. It could end with you being fucked in the arse.

Australian national anthem

In order to ressurect our lord and founder, Batman, the Australian national anthem was taken from the popular 70's tv show Batman, based on the founding of Melbourne which is the best state in Australia, and on a wordwide scale comes in at 2 billionth, falling shortly behind Iraq.

lyrics

"Nananananananana Australia.... Nanananananana Australia... Australia... Australia... Batmaaaaaaaaaannnn"

Famous Revolutionaries

It is a little-known fact that the former Liberal Premier of Victoria, the Dame Dark Lord Jeff Kennett, was actually a genetic hybrid between Josef Stalin and Sauron. His attempt to make public transport run to schedule failed after the Labor Hobbits led by the current ruler Steve (I'll look into it) Bracks, wielding his mighty +4 hand mirror of Whitlam, redirected his precious CityLink toll-way to the toxic waste dump being constructed in the middle of the state's farming region.

Former AFL superstar and part-time prime minister Harold Holt was captured and eaten by Mexican Revolutionaries who eventually got their name on a tin of biscuits in 1985. It is not yet known if Harold Holt has reached such heights, although is a pool in the Southern suburbs of Melbourne after which Harold Holt himself was named. Spokespersons for the pool were unavailable for comment at time of printing.

Recent Events

Very recently some crazy Yank posing as a terrorist said that Melbourne will be the next target of Paris Hilton wannabes. In reaction to this most Australians have requested to know the exact time and place of this attack so it can be televised, preferably at a time appropriate for family viewing and with enough notice to make enough popcorn to go around. There was a large debate between Melbourne and Sydney about which city was the `bestest` to be blown up; Bracks still has `dibbsies` on Melbourne. Hopefully, an AFL stadium will be the target.

Steve Bracks, the Dear Leader of Victoria announced a grand and extravagant tax-payer funded party in order to celebrate Melbourne's status as 'World's Most Bombable City'. He then made this relavent statement; "The Bracks government governs for all Victorians, whether they be, witches, sorcerers or magicians."

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